


Feels Like the First Time

by wantAwinchester



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Beginnings, First Fight, First Kiss, M/M, New Relationship, On Set, Possibly Unrequited Love, Schmoop, Shy Jared Padalecki, tender jensen ackles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 09:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4430297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wantAwinchester/pseuds/wantAwinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Padalecki is homesick and lonely after returning from their holiday break.  Jensen Ackles doesn't know what's wrong with his co-star but isn't going to put up with it.  <br/>This is my version of how they resolved their differences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feels Like the First Time

**Author's Note:**

> This story is straight out of my imagination and is completely fictional. I don't these guys or their names and any mistakes are my own.
> 
> This has not been beta'ed so again, the errors are all mine - hopefully you don't find too many ;-)

“What the fuck is wrong with you today? That’s the third time you’ve missed your mark and the second time you’ve stepped all over my goddamn lines. Pull your head out of your ass and get in the game already. I want to finish sometime before dawn!” Jensen Ackles spat the words out at his young co-star as he turned and walked away while shaking his head, and so missed the look of panic that crossed Jared Padalecki’s face as his eyes flooded with unshed tears.

Jared tried to blink his tears away and failing that, ran to his trailer where he could at least cry in private without being pitied by Bob Singer, their director, and the rest of the crew. He knew he was off today and in all truth, had been off since they’d returned from the Christmas holiday break. Jared had turned 23 that summer and was still uncomfortable spending so much of his time working in another country without regular contact with his family and friends. The holidays had just served to tear open the scabs that had formed over the homesickness wounds which had opened when they returned that summer to film their second season of Supernatural.

Once within the walls of the only place on the studio lot that could be considered his, he curled his 6’4” frame into as small of a ball as possible and wedged into a corner of the banquette by the table. He fumbled with the remote for his iPod deck but got it turned on and up a bit to muffle the sounds of his crying. The song was “Heart Shaped Box” by Nirvana, not one of his favorites, but it suited his mood. 

Working on a television series wasn’t new to him, but when he’d done Gilmore Girls his mother had lived with him for a while, even though he hadn’t been a minor, and he’d always been able to talk her about anything. Thoughts of his mom brought another fresh burst of tears as his homesickness caused another wave of anxiety and loneliness to rush through his body.

As “Heart Shaped Box” faded and “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden started, Jared wiped his tears away with the back of his hand and pulled out the sheets that contained the lines he’d studied for the scene they had been shooting. He knew the lines and even remembered the Bob’s suggestions as well as Jensen’s for tone and body language. He just couldn’t pull them all together like he usually could and was seriously thinking of feigning illness and asking for the rest of the day off when he heard a knock at his door.

“Give me about 10 more minutes and I’ll be back on set,” Jared called out. He needed a couple more minutes to calm down and get the ‘I just cried like a big girl’ look off of his face. The last thing he wanted to do was show his older co-star just how much his comments had affected him. The guy was fucking perfect and never screwed up, well rarely screwed up, and Jared didn’t want to give him any more insight into his insecurities.

“Come on, Jay…..Jared, it’s me,” Jensen ran his hand through his spikey ‘Dean’ hair and cursed at himself for using the nickname he’d given his co-star in his head sometime in the middle of the previous season’s shooting schedule. He was still trying his level best not to let on to Jared and the rest of the world that he was crazy attracted to the boy and wanted nothing more than to take him somewhere they could be alone together for a couple of days and work through his complex feelings for the guy. Preferably with plenty of whiskey, a baggie full of the best weed he could buy and no clothing between them. Fuck, he thought, while giving himself a mental kick, the kid’s straight as an arrow and I’ve got to get over this schoolgirl crush so we can actually work together again.

After stalking off the set, Jensen had been walking around the perimeter of the studio lot for the last half hour, pissed more at himself than at the younger man for the day’s botched takes. He knew first-hand how hard it was to settle into a life that consisted of long hours at the studio or on location, with not enough sleep, craft services food, that while good, wasn’t necessarily what you’d make at home, all of which when combined with the loss of close friends and family could make a young actor’s life difficult at best and intolerable at worst. He hadn’t meant to lash out at Jared the way he did, but it was either that or wrap him in his arms and ask him what was wrong.

Jensen hadn’t been completely straight since leaving home and heading to Hollywood to make his way as an actor. In his mind beauty was beauty no matter what gender was wearing it and he took his pleasure where and with whomever he found attractive. He wasn’t exactly in the closet regarding his bisexuality, but he didn't walk around advertising it either since he was still keeping his conservative family in the dark. 

When he’d walked in to Eric Kripke’s office to read with his potential co-star for the first time, the other worldly beauty of Jared felt like a punch to his gut that bled quickly to his pelvis and his more than interested dick. The guy was hot, no, beyond hot and Jensen knew all chance of him getting a contract to play Dean Winchester was gone since there was no way in hell any one would believe he was this feral beauty’s brother. In the end, the fact that he essentially stopped trying and just played himself to Jared’s Sam had probably closed the deal for him. The chemistry in the room had been palpable and Jensen had been able to jerk off to that memory for a good part of their first season of filming.

Standing at his co-star’s door and waiting for him to invite him in was sapping every last bit of his (as well as his character’s) self-confidence. As the seconds passed into minutes he felt his heart drop as he realized he’d ruined any chance he’d ever had at being invited into Jared’s life as a friend, never mind anything more serious. His words had been cutting in a way that only words could be and he knew they’d be lucky to salvage any of the chemistry between their characters that had made the show successful. They’d be lucky if the studio would even let them finish the season.

He was turning to head back to his own trailer when he heard the door open. He turned and stood still, his eyes traveling from the toes of the taller boy’s boots, up his long (god, so long) legs, past the narrow, still boyish hips and further up past the ‘yet to fill out’ shoulders to meet the red and still slightly damp blue/gold/green/amber eyes that stared into his own as Jared waited for him to speak.

Jensen felt smaller than usual since there were a couple of steps between them and put the hands that he didn’t know what to do with in the pockets of his jeans and lowered his eyes to study the dirt on the ground before audibly clearing his throat and starting to speak, “About earlier, I….um…” he licked his lips, pressed them together and pulled them in before pursing them slightly. “I’m an asshole and….” He swallowed hard before continuing, “Do you think I could come in?” Jensen looked up at his co-star while forcing himself to keep his expression as open and neutral as possible. He did not want to continue to his apology standing at Jared’s feet, but would if that’s what it took.

Jared studied his co-star as he spoke and wished he’d look up so he could see his eyes. His dad had taught him that the eyes always told the truth even when the words spoken were lies and he felt the need to see what his co-star was really thinking. “Sure,” he answered as he opened the door all the way and stepped to the side in invitation. “Sit anywhere. You want something to drink?” He wasn’t going to disappoint his momma and not offer his guest at least some water.

Choosing one of the comfortable chairs in the small sitting area of the trailer Jensen sat down with his arms resting on his thighs as he leaned forward ever so slightly. “No thanks, I’m fine. I…..I really am an asshole and well, I’m sorry. I….” Jensen trailed off as he watched his young co-star take a seat on the very small sofa across from him. He almost laughed since it looked like Jared was sitting on doll house furniture, but managed to restrain himself before he made things worse between them.

“Look, Jensen, you don’t need to apologize. I fucked up and I’ve been fucking up since we got back from break. You’re right, my head is so far up my ass I don’t think I know up from down anymore, so I’m sorry. Give me a few more minutes here and I’ll get it together. I just need a couple more minutes.”

Jensen heard the small break in Jared’s voice even as his last sentence hung in the air between them and wanted nothing more than to gather him into his arms and assure him that everything would be all right. That they could, would work through it all together. Instead he reached across the empty space between them and placed his hand on one of his knees. “Everyone has a crap day, in fact, everyone has crap months and I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. I’ve been there myself and when you fuck up on the shoot of a daily show, you really fuck up and no amount of shit from a co-worker helps. Talk to me.”

All the blood in Jared’s body had rushed south when Jensen laid his hand on his knee and he barely heard the other man’s words. The large hand with perfectly shaped nails (did he get manicures….surely not) was burning its way through his jeans and he wouldn’t have been surprised to find a hand print burned on his skin when he undressed later. He could just hear the strains of “Rooster” by Alice in Chains filling the silence as he looked through his bangs at the earnest face of his co-star. He wasn’t exactly sure if he understood the full context of their current interaction, but he carefully and very deliberately moved his left hand to rest lightly on the one burning through his knee before speaking again.

“I just…..” he wiped at his eyes with his right hand and tightened his left ever so slightly so that there was no way the touch could be interpreted as accidental. “It was so fucking hard to come back here this time. Go ahead and take your shots at me, I am a motherfucking giant baby who’s homesick. I’ve just been so fucking lonely.” 

Jensen took a deep breath and tried to center himself. The kid’s hand clinging to his was causing his ‘hey are we getting sex?’ brain cells to start dancing and he had to beat them into submission before he opened his mouth to speak or there was no telling what his addled mind would send tumbling out of his mouth. Sometimes being a guy just sucked, he thought. “Hey, Jay, no one’s going to give you shit about it, especially not me.” He adjusted his hand so that he was holding Jared’s in his and was able to rub very light circles, meant to soothe, on the top of his elegant (wow- elegant? Yeah, it was elegant) hand. “This industry is full of the kind of assholes who will gladly walk all over you if it gets them ahead and there are very few who give a shit about the people they work with. Guys like you and yeah, like me, who are maybe a little more sensitive can get sucked into a kind of black hole of……” Jensen paused to consider his next words and caught the strains of the Nirvana song that was playing. “Jesus Christ Jay, “Rape Me?” no wonder you’re depressed, this is the same fucking music that drove Cobain to do himself in.” 

He got up and grabbed the iPod out of the dock and scrolled through it looking for something a little less dark, maybe a Disney tune or some classic rock that was about drinking, fucking and smoking instead of violence, depression and suicide. Not finding anything that suited his mood he turned the iPod off and grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge before turning back to the emotional minefield he was navigating. Seeing the slumped shoulders and lowered head he placed the beers on the side table before telling the boss they’d need a longer break. He found the number for Singer on his phone and pressed the button to connect before laying his hand on the back of Jared’s neck.

“Hey boss, it’s me. I really screwed the pooch on this and I’m gonna need a little longer to pull myself together.” He listened as the director went off on him about schedules, unions, proscribed break periods, and cost overruns before he ran out of steam. “Yeah, I get all that and you can call Kripke and lay it all at my door but bottom line is I’m not ready and it’ll really be a waste of time, money and people’s good will if I don’t get a little down time.” He let Singer release another flood of invectives before speaking again, “The kid’s fine, he’s good to go, I just….look, I don’t ask for a hell of a lot and I fucking need this time. Go ahead and fine me if you need to, I’m not ready.” Jensen closed his phone and switched it off, which he knew was going to piss Singer off even more, but he didn’t want to be disturbed yet.

Jared had been watching, his mouth hanging open, as the other man paced and talked on the phone. “Hey, um, you didn’t need to do that,” he rubbed at his eyes one more time to make sure they were dry. “I’m better, let’s go back. I don’t…..fuck, don’t take a fine because I’m a fucking baby. At least let me pay whatever they hit you with…..”

Jensen was in front of him, on his knees and in his personal space before he’d even finished his last sentence, “No, Jay. I did this and I’ve got it. We’re not quite done here.” The older man gently raised Jared’s chin so that he could look into his amazing (color changing amazing!) eyes. “There are a couple of things I think we need to straighten out between us before we go back to work.”

Moving himself a little farther between the younger man’s legs, watching carefully for any signs of discomfort or, gods forbid, disgust before gently resting his right hand on the cut of Jared’s jaw, Jensen took another deep breath and continued, “I’m….well, I’m not exactly straight and I’ve never been. The reason it’s so important that you know this now is that the tension you’re feeling between us….” 

Afraid to move and almost afraid to breathe, Jared kept himself as still as possible, while at the same time maintaining eye contact with the guy on his knees (fuck! His knees!), so that the other man would know he wasn’t going to jerk away or hit him. “Go on,” the words were just a breath away from a whisper.

Pulling his lips into his mouth before licking the bottom one again, Jensen finally spoke. “It’s me Jay, the tension, is all me. God help me, and you can hit me when I’m through if you need to, but let me get this out, I think you are easily the most attractive, intelligent, sensitive and funny person I’ve ever met and I can’t fucking stop thinking about you. Fuck me, I just want to know if there’s any chance, even a microscopic one, that you could be, maybe, a little attracted to me? This is the biggest goddamn risk I’ve ever taken, so if I’m out of line, as I suspect I am, tell me to go fuck myself and to leave you alone and I will. I’ll be professional and friendly when we’re on set and I’ll leave you the hell alone at any other time. I can take it and I can live with it, even if it won’t make me happy. At least I’ll know for sure and can stop pretending I don’t notice every single fucking thing you do when we’re together.”

Jared couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing and was kind of surprised that he wasn’t jerking himself away, telling the guy he was straight and that he’d respect his sexual orientation as long as his was respected in return. If he was honest with himself (and he usually was) some of the anxious sickness in his gut eased as he processed the words on the table and he fought the urge to lean into the touch on his face.

“You have the most expressive face, Jared. Tell me, tell me what’s going on in your head,” Jensen took his hand back and thought he saw a brief flash of disappointment in the younger man’s eyes as he did so. “It’ll be OK no matter what. I promise.” An endearment hung on the end of Jensen’s tongue as he focused all of his attention on Jared’s face and waited in the silence as he processed his thoughts.

Unsure of exactly how much time had passed since he’d uttered his last statement, Jensen was taken completely by surprise by the tentative touch of Jared’s fingers running down his cheek. He held still, but couldn’t suppress the shiver that spread from the nerves just under his skin through the complex network that made up the body’s nervous system to every hair rooted anywhere on his body, causing them all to raise in goose bumps of pleasure. 

“I….I’m not sure,” Jared stammered the words out as if he was speaking for the first time in months instead of in minutes. He searched his co-star’s…. his friend’s eyes for any hint that he was playing some elaborate prank on him. He knew he was young, relatively inexperienced and probably more than a little naïve despite the fact that he’d deny that last adjective with his dying breath. Seeing nothing but raw emotion and maybe a little fear, Jared relaxed slightly, moved a hand to Jensen’s shoulder and squeezed it lightly. “I’ve just…..just never….”

“It’s OK, Jared,” Jensen rushed to help his friend not have to express his lack of interest in any kind of homosexual/bisexual experimentation out loud in order to keep him in what he perceived as his comfort zone.

“No, you don’t…” instead of finishing his statement Jared leaned forward and pressed his lips against the impossibly soft lips of his co-star. His eyes closed, he pressed light kisses along the seam before licking at the perfectly pouty lower lip until he heard Jensen sigh into the kiss.

Jensen pulled back, “Open those eyes Jared, Jay. Look at me, please.” The boy’s eyes were dark gold, almost the amber of a really well aged whiskey with flashes of green and blue along the edge of the iris. He studied the eyes in front of him, looking for anything other than the curious desire he saw reflected in them. Satisfied that Jared was on board at least for the time being, Jensen tangled one of his hands in the slightly messy long hair and pulled his mouth back onto his.

Now in control of this kiss, Jensen was determined to make this kiss stand out from every other kiss that Jared had ever given or received. He sucked at the lips that had been haunting him at night and touched them ever so lightly with his tongue as he asked for and received permission to enter the other’s mouth. 

Unable to bite back the moan that escaped his throat as Jensen’s tongue touched his lips, Jared found himself opening his mouth and inviting Jensen in as his own tongue slipped over the surface of the new one in his mouth, tasting the bitter coffee, stale cigarette smoke and peppermint gum that Jensen chewed whenever he couldn’t smoke. The tastes were pure Jensen and shouldn’t have tasted as good as they did, but Jared found himself making these needy little sounds that might have embarrassed him if anyone other than Jensen was kissing him. He wanted, needed more.

The older man had to reign in his desire to deepen the kiss to the point of demanding possession and keep the exploration of his boy’s mouth light and teasing. He didn’t want to end up pushing Jared away because he couldn’t control himself when he knew full well that these kisses were his friend’s way of testing the waters, like trying on a shirt to see if you like fit, before making a decision to keep it. Jensen desperately wanted this boy….man to decide he’d be safe exploring this other dimension of his sexuality with him and it took every single fiber in his being to break the kiss and pull back to give Jared a little more personal space. They were both breathing a little harder and Jared’s face was flushed with desire, embarrassment or maybe a unique combination of the two.

The question in Jensen’s eyes was as clearly stated as if he’d spoken it aloud and Jared knew he had to answer but needed to find the right words so without breaking eye contact, he gently caressed Jensen’s neck, down his shoulder, ending at his hand which he held lightly until he felt he had the right words ready.

“That was….um, wow,” Jared could see that the other man was ready to bolt and he held his hand just a little tighter. “Hold on, give me chance here,” the flash of dimples eased the look of abject terror in Jensen’s eyes and Jared continued, “I’d be easier if I could say that I’d been thinking of this since meeting you, wait….but I can’t say that. However….stay, please,” he felt Jensen tense as if to rise from his knees. “However, the fact that that kiss, your kiss, made me feel like it was the first time I’ve ever been kissed says to me that there’s a lot more between us than just this co-star thing.”

“So you’re not saying…..”

“I’m not saying no. I’m saying that something that feels like the first time needs to be explored....” Jared leaned in and took his time kissing Jensen again, slowly, lightly, but thoroughly, “at greater depths.”

Jensen let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and sat back on his heels, “so we’re OK for now?”

Unable to contain the small snort-laugh that bubbled up, Jared flashed his bright, dimpled smile at his….hum, what exactly was he?....friend again. He handed Jensen one of the forgotten beers and raised his own in toast, “To….exploration?” 

This time Jensen laughed, “Yeah, I can drink to that.”

They finished their beers in record time, rinsed their mouths, got some gum and headed back to set before they both found themselves out of work.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a one shot and done short interlude between the Js. As I re-read and edited it, the boys were whispering in my head so I'm now not too sure the story is finished.
> 
> This will stand as is and if I decide to continue it will be in a new story with a new title. Let me know if you want more and I'll see if my twin muses are cooperative.


End file.
